I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Randomize
