I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Randomize
