I can tuck mytits in my pants
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
