I only kidnapped one of them. chill
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
