there's paper in my vomit.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
