just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Randomize
