I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
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