I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize
