So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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