I could make wine with my vomit
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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