Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
