if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
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