I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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