I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
another moral hangover. fuck.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
