when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
