Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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