apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
25 Women On How They Let Their Oblivious Partners Know They Want To Bone
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Tumblr User Tells Story About A ‘Demon Gets Adopted By A Grandma’& It Needs To Be A F**king Movie
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Fuck me I smell like cheese
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