Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes