Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I'm jealous of your bromance
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
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I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
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i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.