I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.