look no pants
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
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You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
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She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.