I just threw up on my dentist
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
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We just shotgunned beers for America
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
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I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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