you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
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