I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Randomize
