i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
