So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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