Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
