this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
