What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
