Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
