That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
