Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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