so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Randomize
