then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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