I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize
