the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
