wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Randomize
