everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Randomize
