Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
FUCK WHALES
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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