Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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