why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
