so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Randomize
