does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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