She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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