I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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