is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
