my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
