today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Randomize
