I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
