I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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