Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
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