god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Randomize
