i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
PANTIES FOUND
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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