Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
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