I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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