Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
