I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Randomize
