So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
