I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
