if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
