She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
