Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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