I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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