Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
