This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Actions speak louder than pants.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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