My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Randomize
